We Need to Talk…

There are many times in our lives when we need to have a difficult conversation - with a child, a romantic partner, or a colleague. These conversations never get easier, but we can get better at them. (For an in-depth look at these types of conversations, see the link below to an amazing book I read over a decade ago. It has been recently revised and updated, and I can honestly say it’s one of the most influential business books I’ve ever read.)

Before the Conversation

Decide whether to have it. What are the risks you’re taking by bringing up this topic? Might you alienate a friend or anger a colleague? Might you break the trust of the person you’re talking to? What would happen if you didn’t have the conversation? How would it affect you and your relationship with that other person?

Know what you want to get from it. First, look inside yourself and determine why you want to have the conversation. What values or priorities for yourself (or your organization) have been violated that you need to stand up for? And then consider the outcome you’d like to see. Are you just venting? What might your counterpart’s reaction be? Are you prepared for the consequences of what you say? You may wish to focus the topic more or to bring up just one aspect. Are you trying to persuade them? Consider their point of view and the specific details that would be most likely to sway them. Your tone and body language are likely to convey as much as your words and the content of what you’re saying. Are you in an emotional place where those nonverbal characteristics will be effective?

Set the stage. Think about when and where you want to bring this up. What mindset do you want to have? What mindset do you want the other person to have? Can you give them a heads up to prepare for the topic so they don’t feel blindsided or attacked? Be prepared with what you want to say (and how you want to say it), and make intentional decisions about the environment/timing of the conversation whenever possible. And try to limit how long the conversation will occur. You want enough time to not feel rushed but not so much that you’re just saying the same things at each other over and over again.

During the Conversation

Lead with curiosity. Try to approach the discussion with the idea of learning about the other person’s point of view. See if you can determine their values and priorities, not just their position. Are there places where your values overlap? Communicate clearly about where you agree with them and where you don’t. If you have a non-negotiable point, be clear about that. Ask open-ended questions, and try to avoid accusations disguised as questions or queries that might sound threatening or argumentative.

If you are trying to change a behavior… (and you are in a position of authority to do so), be clear about what you have seen or what has been observed. The more details - dates, times, exact words used, and with whom - the better. Address which company (or personal) value was violated, and acknowledge you are disappointed in the result. (Hopefully you had a decent relationship already. That will make it much easier for them to hear you and to want to do right by you.) Ask for their side. Truly listen and try to understand their perspective. And then work together to figure out how to fix what happened and how to ensure it doesn’t happen again. (You may need to follow-up on these steps and/or reinforce them over time.)

Watch your defenses. Assume the other person has good intentions. They are probably scared and/or have strong feelings about the topic, just as you do. Listen to them as you would like them to listen to you. Pause internally from time to time and assess where you are and where you want to be. Adapt and adjust — Am I making assumptions? What evidence do I have? Am I overlooking their point of view because I don’t want to hear it? How else could someone look at this situation/topic? Are they changing my viewpoint? Know that you can always pause the conversation if it goes off track. Take a time out and regroup.

After the Conversation

Take a deep breath. You did it! These conversations can be hard, but you faced the situation with courage. This is also a good time to look at how the conversation went. What went well? (You were able to share your perspective. You kept your emotions under control. You discovered something you didn’t know and your mind was changed - or theirs was - without ruining the relationship. You released tension. You - or they - gained clarity or a new way of looking at things. You have actions to take to improve a situation.) What didn’t go well? (Maybe you got angry, cut them off, interrupted, said things you regret. If that’s the case, see the paragraph below about circling back. You can fix this.) What would you change in the future? Consider how you might approach that same colleague in a better way in future conversations. How will this experience influence other difficult conversations you have?

If it didn’t go well, circle back. If you lost the thread of what you actually wanted as an outcome, if you became defensive or angry or inappropriate in any way, if you think of more constructive ideas to share, all is not lost! You can circle back to the other person and apologize for how things turned out. Take a(nother) deep breath, maybe sleep on it, and determine whether bringing the topic up again is likely to be beneficial or detrimental. (If you’re just trying to make sure your point is heard, that might not be constructive. But if you got carried away and want to apologize, circling back could reset the relationship or allow for a more productive dialogue.)

Follow-up. This can be as simple as thanking the person for having a difficult conversation with you. Or you might want to reiterate or clarify action steps that were agreed upon. Consider setting deadlines and how you might hold each other accountable. And, as always, try to leave the door open for future conversations (difficult or not).

Resources

https://www.acacamps.org/resource-library/camping-magazine/lets-have-hard-conversation

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most - Buy the book at https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143118447/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_RGH6P8JSWFGGW2X7P600?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1